One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Mom & Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.  She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numerous infidelities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it - we're closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me you
little
bastard!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the
outside?
A. K9P

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snowblower coming.

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking  military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when  was the last time he had had sex.

"1956," he immediately replied.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch.
"It's only 2014 now."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows.

Half an hour later, he returns.

"So did you follow him?"

"Yes, I did."

"And...where did he go?"

"Over to your house..."

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great chest you have", The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite". He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have", the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite". He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes runnng and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment. The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have".

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He
grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his penis. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his penis...and sure enough he drops the last bar
of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!"

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:
    "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:
    "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.
So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:
    "Odds & Ends."

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and said that he would fix everything if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him.
"So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
"HELLOOOO! Do you see Betty Crocker printed across my forehead?"

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
The Rosh Yeshiva (The Yeshiva Head) finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bulrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the
Harvard team as they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced. "They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him
into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a change in punctuation alters the meaning:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? Susan

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Susan

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Rover’ or ‘Spot’...I called mine ‘Sex’...now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the cleck I’d like a license for Sex. He said “I would like to have one too!” I then explained that she’s a dog. He replied, “I don’t care what she looks like!” I said to him that I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old. He commented that I must have been a very strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my life practically revolves around Sex.” He said that he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him that everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day, we were married at the justice of peace. My family is barred from the church then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon. I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clecrk that I wanted a room for meand my wife, and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the hotel is a place for sex. I told him, “But Sex keeps me awake at night.” The cleck said that he has the same problem.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition started, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV!!” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said, “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married.” The judge said, “Me too!!”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop cam eover and asked what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I told her that I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Thursday.

Well...now I have been thrown in jail, divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me what the trouble was. I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever. I can’t live any longer. I’m so lonely.” The doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend...so get yourself a dog.”

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally, he asked, “May I help you, my son?”
“I dunno.” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

A preacher visits an elderly woman form his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asks.
“No, not at all,” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating all your peanuts, he has emptied the bowl.
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all of your peanuts I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh that’s alright,” said the woman, “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them damn M&Ms.”

Hello,

    You have reached the Psychiatric HotLine.
If you are obsessive-compulsive,
    please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent,
    please ask someone else to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities,
    please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional,
    we know who you are, and why you’re calling. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic,
    listen carefully and a ‘little voice’ will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive,
    it doesn’t matter what number you press, no one will answer.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
10. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body."
He did not say "Eat me."
11. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

This guy is sitting in a bar getting really drunk. The bar is on the top floor of a hotel. After a while, he goes to the window, opens it, and throws himself out. Shocked, two other patrons run to the window and watch in horror as the drunk plummets toward the pavement below.

Then, miraculously, the man is swept up an instant before hitting the sidewalk, and seems to fly right back up and in through the open window. Amazed, the patrons ask if he can do that again. He complies, gladly.

When he returns the second time, they ask how he did that. "Simple," he said, slurring his words badly. "There's an air vent down there, and just before you hit the pavement, the gush of air lifts you right back up. You guys should try it." Skeptical, but daring, the two race toward the open window, plummet to earth, and are squashed instantly like bugs on the street.

The drunk returns to the bar and, giggling, orders another scotch. As the bartender serves the drinks, he says to the man, "You know, Mr. Kent, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

15 Things NOT to Say When You Are Pulled Over

15. No, YOU assume the position.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
10. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me?
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

Love in Many Languages

English........... I Love You
Spanish........... Te Amo
French............ Je T'aime
German............ Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.......... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian........... Ti Amo
Chinese........... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........... Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo............ Nagligivaget
Greek............. S'Agapo
Hawaiian.......... Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew............ Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........... Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian.......... Une Te Dua
Finnish........... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish........... Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian......... Se Ret Lay
Persian........... Du Stet Daram
Maltese........... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan........... Testimo Molt

Redneck .......... Nice BOOBS

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"